As I attended one of my best friends weddings over the weekend. I couldnt help but think the fallowing .
As I was so happy she found love. Cause I have seen and heard of the pain she went through to find it..I couldnt help but think how lucky she was.. Great job,great house, great car, and now a great husband.. I thought long and hard on all that i wanted to. Although she made it look flawless . I knew it got the best of her for a while.. Got her down on her knees and had her begging for love.. See, I want this more then anything in my life. I want a soul mate. Some one who understands and knows that on my weakest days. Hes there to give me flowers to remind me, I am not alone.. I guess my moral of this blog, is to explain that you gotta work hard to find love. Dont take no for a answer and keep on making your dreams come true.. Cause theres a soul mate for everyone..:-)
May 28
Marriage!!
"There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never."
“I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.”
— Oprah
Long days seem to come and go.. But some days just stick to you like glue..
All I want is to run and live alone and breath some fresh air.. I love my family, I will always love them. But sometimes they are not nice. I am 23 and still attending college for Dental Hygiene. I started it full time with no more breaks when I was 22 and don’t regret it one bit. I am heart broke, that my grandmother on my mothers side is so bitter towards me. She flat out told me today to just drop out of college and get a full time job and work. Cause she can’t see me being anything cause I am retarded. She stated a list of things that equals me to fit the “retarded” list. I hate that word first off . Second off, I have not a easy life. Never have and in time I hope that changes.
My moms side is just hard on you. If you don’t go off to graduate school with in the first four years after high school, then you need to get married and start on that baby making. That’s another thing my grandmother states I need to do. I need to be more of a Betty Croker and less of a dine out kind of a woman..
I just want to run away some days and never stop.. I know understand why I feel much happier when I am not in this state or near this family.
My little brother is in the Marines and we are toxic. Some days we are cool and he is decent when I am buying dinner for us. Other days, he kicks me when I come around or tells me how stupid I am for carrying what my dog eats. Last night, my dog took off after a rabbit and Ethan just stood there laughing at it. I don’t understand? I do so much for that kid. I am stopping cause I am done with it.. I need to cut the ties to negative people in my life. It’s just really hard when it comes to cutting ties to your family. I will love them till I die, but can’t control the negative statements. I am who I am, and I am not ashamed of it. I tell people how it is, and how I see things. I will always help someone and treat them like I would want to be treated. I just need a break!!!! Finals are here, and for once I feel like that is my break…
May 7
LONG DAY!!!!
It’s 11:53 pm at night,
I am sitting here facebook creeping on fellow past friends and ex’s.
Came to the conclusion that I haven’t grown life wise to much. Glad once this next two years are done, I will be graduated and done with college. Thank god..
Seems like all my ex’s have babies and are married .. It’s so strange, cause my life has gone no where like that. I am still in school working for my Dental Hygiene degree and almost done.. While everyone else is growing with a family.. WOW!! I have my own mut now, but nothing to serious like that.. I think If I don’t have a man and a family by 28, I am adopting a kid… lol
May 4
Future freaks me out
"I’m just saying, you know, you can’t know who that person is, the person who will become your ultimate confidante, your soulmate, or your lover. He may be that guy you had your eye on for years, or he might be that guy standing next to you in torn jeans buying some part of his motorcycle. Whoever it is, he starts off as a stranger, so he could be anyone."
"We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it’s like chasing clouds."
It’s 12:45 am on a thursday morning. I hope the rest of Thursday goes as smooth as it came in 45 minutes ago. I can’t stop my mind from drifting. I have lost a few friends this year. It can’t stop me from thinking if I am such a messed up person as they proclaim me to be. Am I truly that one friend that is shady or untrue? I lost Tom B, who was honestly my rock for so many years. I felt like losing him was like losing a 5year long battle in a marriage. He was such a amazing person. Miss him everyday that we are no longer friends. I guess losing him has taught me to keep my mouth shut with the truth and just let your friends think you agree to everything and never speak your opinion, fore it may rub them the wrong way. Then I lost Michelle, I truly thought we were good friends. That was till she was secretly talking to Tom like he was her new BFF. Inviting him to Wyoming and acting as if I was never in the picture. That truly hurt me more then anything. I really thought I was there for her through a lot. Then I lost Katie F. I thought we would be friends longer then what we ended up being. I was a good friend to her. I called her mom a alchy and said her cousin wasn’t a good horse back rider. To her that was a make or breaker in a friendship. So she joined forces with her cousin Hannah, (who I also lost as a friend this year). I lost Hannah cause Hannah was being shady and pretending we were friends. When really behind my back we were not. All she wanted me around for was to hook her up with cowboys and rodeos. ..
I guess that’s 4 people excluding Katie O . We had a bad bad falling out a year or so ago. I really think I am the bad person. I sometimes feel like I am left with no friends anymore. I know I am growing older and all. But my true friends Davon,Ashley, Ellen and Blaire, are all I got in this world these days. I use to be the girl with the many friends and always going out and about with them. Now I am the girl who sitts at home alone with her dog eating meals and going to work out. I never can catch a happy break. I feel like the smogg of this place is killing me inch by inch.
All I ever wanted was to be happy. Be at peace and have TRUE friends that love me. I needed to vent on here. My mind was playing some mean tricks on me. My mind wouldn’t stop being so cruel to thoughts while I laid in my bed trying to shut my eyes and go some where peaceful in my dreams. ..
Depression isn’t a great thing to be stuck with. It’s like this bug that no matter what always shows up. I try to push it away and I try to winn this battle. But everyday it reminds of all the sickness of my father that I have to watch him go through and all the happy people ahead of me in this world. …..
DEBBY DOWNER NIGHT
